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by Jamie Buell

You must be new. They always put the new people next to me.

If you were wondering about the special chair, it’s not because I’m employee of the month; it’s so I can go on missions with the rest of the team. I’m not always a customer service rep. I’m also in the Heroes’ Alliance, part-time. It’s hard to fight crime when you don’t move, so Gadjo built me this high-tech scooter chair. It’s pretty cool, and if I don’t play the radio, the battery lasts for like 90 minutes. Even longer in cold weather.

I don’t get a lot of the headlines like some of the other guys in the Heroes’ Alliance, but when your superpower is squeezing yourself into a ball and staying very still you’re not going get the opportunities the other guys do.

Icantalkrealfasttoo. See? That’s kind of like a secondary power. Most of us have them.

There haven’t been a lot of chances for me to shine. There was the time they smuggled me into Dr. Malvo’s undersea lair in a bag of rice and had me describe the floor plan so the rest of the H-force Alliance could capture him.

Honestly, with Rockhead and Olympuss on the team, they could have just kicked in the door and taken him without having to know what the kitchen looked like. But General Shipton says that everyone has their moment where their talents and the situation come together to make them… Uh, hold on.


This will just take a second.

Jamie Buell is a writer, teacher, and comedian living in Chicago. He teaches writing at the Second City Training Center and performs occasionally around town. He has a wife, a dog, and a baby. He is now 49 days closer to death than he was when Cease, Cows first published him.

Lead image: “Squirtmobile Stunts – 110” (via Flickr user Rubbertoe (Robert Batina))