I can recommend a great ice sculptor. I’ll get you two in touch. She does everything on the spot. With a chisel, with a chainsaw. Once with the blunt end of a paintbrush. Once with a baseball bat. She made Chichen Itza for my Seven Wonders party; it was big enough to walk upon. One guest tried, but slipped and split his knee. My ice sculptor recommendee, she once carved a crystal turkey for my Thanksgiving, a yard of reindeer for my Christmas. I needed a larger crowd for my grandfather’s funeral and she was able to sculpt more grieving people. Even used black ice to be respectful of the dead. For an extra fee, my ice sculptor can sculpt your addictions, your new year’s resolutions, your fears. For even more money and a longer deadline, she can sculpt your future. Can sculpt for you (or a select few) your fate displayed in ice form. What happens next. If it’s grim, she might sculpt the ocean, make you an ice boat, tell you to sail. If it’s bright, she might make ice sunglasses, might pour you a glass, might give you a hug. Whatever the occasion, whatever you insist, my ice sculptor never says no.
Benjamin Niespodziany is a night librarian at the University of Chicago and has no idea how to sculpt ice. He runs the multimedia art blog [neonpajamas] and has had his work published in HOOT, Cheap Pop, Pithead Chapel, and a handful of others. When he’s not reading or writing, he’s curating music compilations, hosting a bi-monthly radio broadcast, and saving up for his next passport stamp.