Miracle Grow

I dropped the fertilizer bag on my kitchen floor by accident.

Little purple pellets fell everywhere. Some rolled, some bounced. I tried to pick them up. I chased them. I watched them dodging away from me.

My cat, Uganda, played with one and her paws started to grow. She stepped on some more and in minutes I had a panther. When Uganda realized how big she was, she pushed open the door and broke free. To make matters worse, my nosy neighbor called animal services.

My neighbor was the least of my concerns as the broom became gigantic, my iPhone was immense, and my twin bed was growing so rapidly that it filled the whole bedroom. I was afraid of being trapped and dying from asphyxiation.

I hoped it wouldn’t rain. Rain would have been the cherry on top of my cake mistake. But it didn’t. I called my nutritionist and asked for a refill of my weight loss medication. She said no. Fuck her.

Online I found this doctor that would sell me anything including snake oil, but it would take a week as it was coming from Thailand.

Think again.

I was grateful that I owned a cat and not a parrot or an iguana. Can you imagine a gigantic iguana running loose in Venice? Since it’s Venice maybe no one would care, maybe people would think that the last batch of pot was just too good.

Go find Uganda.

I stepped out and started screaming “Uganda, Uganda,” and ten minutes later I had a whole bunch of people behind me holding -Save Uganda- signs. Again you had to give it to my Venice neighbors, they know solidarity.

Uganda was sitting under the pier watching dolphins and eating popcorn. She looked at me and purred. The purring was so loud the pier collapsed.

Only the pier fishermen died that day. I call it good Karma. Kill and you may be killed, especially, if you kill for fun, like those so-called pier fishermen. -Killing to survive- that’s a different story.

Uganda tried to sit on my lap and instead I had to sit on hers. I asked her nicely to go back to her original size and she did. Or maybe the pellet residue on her paws was washed off by the water from the mini-tsunami caused by the collapsing pier.

The Uganda protesters were already in front of city hall, and the mayor agreed to send humanitarian aid to that country.

I strolled back home with my cat, disconnected my humongous iPhone, and once it was reset it returned to the original size. I never found the gigantic broom, but I would like to think she swept my nosy neighbor away as I never saw her again.

My bed went from twin to king size, not bad, except for the fact that I’ll have to buy new bedding.

I grabbed the remains of the fertilizer with gloves and returned it to the store with a note saying I’m returning this product because it works too well. It exceeded my expectations. The cashier couldn’t refund my money for the reason given. I was happy that she took the leftovers back, as for the money, I didn’t care. It was a fair price for the lesson learned: no more buying anything with the word miracle on it.

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elena felix likes how her name looks written without capital letters. In one of her previous lives she used to work for advertising agencies in Mexico City and in L.A. In her current life she has the privilege to work for rescue dogs and cats. When time permits she writes a little.

Lead image: “This guys name is Avatar” (via Flickr user Frida Bredesen)