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Reduce. Reuse. Recycle.

by Patrick Courtney

Want to become self-sufficient and make millions? Sick of working a shitload of hours for fuck all money? Jealous of those fat slobs that gloat, “Yeah, I work from home”? Most of them writing ridiculous self-made millionaire articles, when in reality, they were just lucky to be born into an affluent family that accepts their gluttonous lifestyle.

Well, thanks to the internet, modern technology, and twenty-first-century decorum, you don’t need an affluent family—just some small piece of business advice. In one year, I have made tens of thousands of pounds, and I haven’t worked a single day.

To let you in on my little secret, you must first promise not to judge, okay?

It’s really easy. Go on the internet and sell your body. I’m not talking about prostitution. No, I’m talking about the parts of your body you don’t want. A jar of fingernails goes for ten pounds apiece. Fifty pence a cm for human hair (better rates for back and pubic). A small pot of dead skin cells is about a fiver, but they have to be ground. (The best way to do this is to use a foot scraper, one of those that collects the skin—they look like mini cheese graters.) Ever wondered if your Parmesan cheese is legit? Now you have your answer. Think about it. Besides the funeral industry, how many others do you know that have business coming out of their ears? (Quite literally—ear wax is used in many polymers around the world and for medicinal purposes in Asia.)

I’m serious—you don’t even need to hack into the black pages. It’s there right in front of you. Ever clicked on one of those “work from home” advertisements—it’s not a scam. Ever wondered why percentages don’t add up in clothing? Human hair.

That’s not all. The iron that could not be absorbed from your body does not go to waste; it helps the anemic. Enema centers are eco-friendly, recycling 100%, so no wastage. Green business—that’s the future. Make money on poo coming out, make money on poo going in—100% profit.

Defecate can also be sold for scientific research, although this is a little more complicated—dietary requirements are explicit. If this is not your style, then look into fetish websites. Obviously, there is far more business for the fairer sex defecate distributor.

Your body is a money-making machine; you’re your own key to success. Know thyself. If you’re fat, sell fat. If you’re skinny, perhaps you only need one kidney, one lung. Plenty of smokers could do with a new lung. Be proud of what you have, but not greedy. If you have too much of something, sell it. Too little of something, there are plenty of people doing this. Google it. You’ll find a good price.

There is a whole array of human excretions, each and every one of them worth a small fortune. Get into a routine, and you could become self-sufficient. Every businessman will tell you, “sell yourself”; take it literally.

I have given you many different avenues in which you can start. You won’t believe the success you will have.

Reduce. Reuse. Recycle.

Patrick Courtney is a twenty-five-year-old aspiring writer from England. He has recently started a blog, aptly named Brainexcreations. A domain that will be filled with thoughts, flash fiction, and nightmares. Besides writing, Patrick is an English language teacher, surfer, and traveler.

Lead image: “Human Brain in a Jar” (via Flickr user biologycorner)