Three Flash

A Stormy Night and Chalk was Missing from the Cupboard

• • • The body was never found but the killer did leave a chalk outline of where the body was.
    • Colonel Mustard said there was no gunshot, but that his revolver was missing.
    • The creepy butler said no one entered or left the manor without his knowledge.
    • Green found bloody footprints but denied they matched the sole of his one-of-a-kind Ferragamo loafers.
    • White went to grab a lead pipe from her room for “protection,” but denied the red streaks were blood.
    • Peacock drew a smiley face in the chalk outline with red paint found in the conservatory.
    • Professor Plum said he found a book on how to remove blood stains from the oriental rug.
    • The conservatory was where the chalk outline was drawn.
    • Scarlet said she clubbed a man in the conservatory, but didn’t leave a chalk outline.
    • There was a note left in the library that said: The killer was in the secret room behind the bookcase.
    • The police stated that clearly there was no conclusive evidence to solve this case.

Welcome to the Seventh Annual Zombie Support and Strategy Conference

Our numbers are up 111% from last year, which is great. The blue team took out that large settlement near DC, really weakening the resistance. This year, I think we need to stop pretending to be slow and dumb. It was fun to fuck with the humans, but I think it’s just time to move on to more important agenda items like universal healthcare.

As My Spiritual Life Coach Says

Teach a man to fish, and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man a fish and he’ll never learn to fish. A homeless man asked me for spare change after my yoga class at the temple, to which I replied with that mantra and a fishing pole. The man took the pole, beat me with it, then stole my wallet.

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Jade Freeman is a writer currently living in Boston with her two dogs and working on her MFA at Emerson College. Her work has appeared in Red Fez and The Rain, Party, & Disaster Society.

Lead image: “Extra, Extra!” (via Flickr user gfpeck)