Perfect Funeral #1
My dead body is on the baggage carousel at the airport. Practical, ’cause the seats are already there. Also practical ’cause I’ll already have a tag.
It’ll be open casket, but playful. As my body spins around the carousel the preacher holds his hand out and his voice keeps rising and falling as he says, “Nowwww you see him. Now you don’t!”
If anything goes missing, sue American Airlines.
Perfect Funeral #2
My dead body is on a rotating clear glass plate like at a car show. The girl from the Huck Finn furniture commercials is standing on the plate in heels and pointing at me as the preacher reads off my specs into a microphone attached to a karaoke machine amplifier. There’s a guest list on a card table next to a basket of fruitee rolls. You know, those things that are kind of like tootsie rolls but that no one likes as much.
No name and email on the guest list, no fruitee roll.
No reception afterward.
Perfect Funeral #3
Two giant mechanical hands shuffle cups very quickly. My dead body is under one of them. A $1 fee will be charged for each attempt by mourners to guess which cup I’m under so they can pay their respects, grieve, and gain closure.
A special offer of seven guesses will also be available for $5.
That’s two free guesses.
At First, She Just Kissed the Frogs
At first she just kissed the frogs. And the frogs were happy with that. And all was well.
But soon the frogs grew anxious. They became solicitous. Further conquests were desired. Euphemisms were employed, further euphemisms were invented. She’d long since given up hope any of them was secretly a prince.
She learned over time that there were many frogs in the pond.
Daniel Levine is a writer, filmmaker, and book seller. He lives in upstate New York. His uncle Robert Malech was the first person to patent a mind-control device in the United States. His first book, Every Time I Check My Messages, Somebody Thinks I’m Dead, is available in paperback. He is currently finishing editing a film about America for three screens with Brian Spellman and Jon Jost.