The Never-Ending Pursuit of Vinyl Siding by Eric Wilson-Edge

“I am unhappy because I am unsuccessful.”
“No matter what they say, vinyl siding will need replacing.”
“I really thought at this age I’d have vinyl siding.”
“I love it because you never have to paint.”

“I am unhappy because gas is so expensive.”
“Have you tried expressing your frustration with exclamation points?”
“?”
“!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“I am unhappy because I don’t have time.”
“I masturbate while on the elliptical.”
“I’m too busy for an erection.”
“Then maybe do something else on the elliptical.”

“I am unhappy because I am lonely.”
“This is the age of acquaintances.”
“I blame the internet.”
“Sometimes I type nonsense in Google to see what happens.”

“I am unhappy because I am overweight.”
“Get yourself a montage.”
“I need to be inspired.”
“Seriously. Five minutes and you too can beat Ivan Drago.”

“I am unhappy because others are suffering.”
“Let them have a nibble of your flab.”
“Starvation. War. Poverty. I feel so powerless.”
“Sometimes, I knock my neighbor’s garbage cans over just for the hell of it. I do it first thing in the morning when the cans are nice and full. I make a huge fucking mess.”

“I am unhappy because of the collapse of morals in this country.”
“Probably made in China.”
“We need to get back to the good old days.”
“If only we had some Nazis to kill.”

“I am unhappy because of the liberal media.”
“Totally. I don’t understand why my interpretation of their interpretation of the interpretation of the facts is so seldom in agreement.”
“No one tells it like it is.”
“Not true. I think you’re kind of an ass.”

“I am unhappy because of how people dress.”
“Any period movie set in the 1950s will show you fedoras are the symbols of unhappiness.”
“If only I owned a quality necktie.”
“Superman didn’t wear a tie – Clark Kent did. So – you know.”

“I am unhappy because my team never wins.”
“Become a Yankee fan.”
“It seems the louder I yell at the TV the worse they play.”
“I love that TV show where you watch other people look at houses.”

“I guess I’m just an unhappy person.”
“Always remember to be yourself.”

Eric Wilson-Edge lives in Olympia, Washington with his wife and two dogs.

Lead image“Frowny Face” (via Flickr user Craig Piersma)