photo of woman with chocolate smeared all over her face

Your Intimate Problem, Solved by Samantha Memi

Dear Hessie,

I always read your letters and I love the advice you give. I hope you can help me the way you helped Polly with the boil a few weeks ago. I’ve been living with my boyfriend for five years now. We used to have ordinary sex and I enjoyed it but since he’s been watching porn, he wants to stick it up my bottom and then have me lick it. If I say no he gets angry. I still love him and we were planning to get married but if he’s going to be a perv I don’t want to, he was forcing me to engage in sexual acts with other women and told me If you like big tits you can try visiting on www.tubev.sex, but I only want his willy. Please help. MJ

Dear MJ,

All men want to stick their penises in forbidden places. I’m not saying you should chop off his willy, that would be wrong, although possibly justifiable. I think you should ask him to change his attitude towards you, and if he doesn’t – find someone else. Hessie

Dear Hessie,

I chopped off his willy and now I’m in jail waiting for a trial. I’m in a cell with this gorgeous actress named Fifi. She was in a film called Lust Lovers 3. I don’t know if you’ve seen it. I haven’t. She looks just like a film star. Her tits are bigger than me. She protects me from lezzies. Sometimes we play a game. It’s a bit naughty. She licks my sensitive parts. I didn’t think I’d like it because I’m very ticklish, but it was wonderful. Then she wanted me to do it to her. I wasn’t sure because I’m vegetarian and I don’t like the taste of meat, but I thought as she’s done it to me I should do the same for her. It made her really happy and I was so pleased. But now she wants me to lick her other hole, the brown one, not the pink. I’m not sure but when I say no she gets really angry and scares me. What should I do? MJ

Dear MJ,

Licking the anus can be delightful for the person being licked, but risky for the licker. The anus is covered in germs, some of them dangerous. There are other things you can do. Kissing someone’s nipples is very sensuous. I certainly wouldn’t recommend sticking your finger up her bottom and scratching – that would be too violent, although it may teach her a lesson. Perhaps you could ask to move to another cell. Hessie

Dear Hessie,

I did what you said even though you said not to. She loved it. I stuck two fingers in her brown hole and nearly my whole hand up her pink one and she squeaked like my pet guinea pig used to. She was so excited I nearly couldn’t get my hand out. She’s left prison now. She went to trial and got a fine. Apparently she knew the judge. She’s very well-connected as far as judges go. She told me she loves me. I hope it’s true. She came to see me yesterday and said a friend of hers, Madame X, will give me a job for £1000 a night. Wow! In my last job it took me a month to earn that. I’m going for trial in two days so I hope I get a nice judge. MJ

Dear MJ,

I would be wary of any woman calling herself Madame X. Especially if she is offering you £1000 a night. Do you know what sort of work you’ll be expected to do? Hessie

Dear Hessie,

I got out of prison. I have to see a psychiatrist once a month. I got five years probation as long as I don’t chop off any more willies. I live with Fifi now and it’s lovely looking after her. I always get her breakfast before she goes off to work at her club. She works nights, so we both spend most of the day sleeping. I started my job with Madame X. It’s so easy. I just do what I used to do with my boyfriend. Except I do it with different men. Most of them are very nice. Madame X makes sure I always get what she calls distinguished gentlemen. I thought she said extinguished. We
both laughed. But I’ve got a problem. I don’t want to ask Madame X because she’s always very busy. But there’s a man who wants to stick his willy up my bottom. He’s a very nice man and he said he’ll give me lots of money for doing it, but when he pulls it out he wants to me to lick it. I don’t like the idea of that at all. What should I do? MJ

Samantha Memi is a the author of Kate Moss and Other Heroines (Black Scat Books, 2012).

Lead image: “An Affair with Chocolate” (via Flickr user Sarah Robinson)